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recent entries

FINALLY!

GOD BLESS THE CHILD

FAIRYTALES DO COME TRUE...

DUANE'S BLOG AND A WHOLE LOTTA FOOD!

Brownout lang...

ONE FOR THE HATERS, diss all you want.

NOSTALGIA.

SING FOR THE MOMENT.

TO FEAR LIVING.

WHATTA SCREWED UP WORLD WE LIVE IN...

June 2008

July 2008

August 2008

January 2009

talk... shit?

Lotsa stories, Updates and Gossips soon.
Not in the mood right now. *sigh*




Dear son/daughter,

This is the first letter I'm ever going to write to you. I just want you to know that i love you, so very much, even if at first i never wanted to keep you for all the wrong reasons and my mind was in the clouds, and there are times i blamed you for not having the things i should have had if you hadn't come along. But baby please know that I'm waiting for you to come out so i could meet you. You are the only thing that keeps me going right now, the fact that in months time, I'll be able to hold you in my arms, and see your cute smile that would always, inevitably save me from a bad day.

Baby, let me apologize to you starting now, it's been hard for me that your father has not been with me since day one and I'll probably never gonna see him again, but i know it will be harder for you to grow up with just a mom. But baby i promise you i will try everything to make you feel complete, and i will try my best to give you the security you need, whatever it takes.

kiddo, always remember that i will never let anyone harm you, or hurt you or do whatever to you. I will protect you from all of them, so from now on i promise to be twice as sure with every decision i make, and every choice, and every day i live my life, i will be wise. I will protect you from the bad influences of life and the filthy environment created by people who are never gonna get near you.

And kid, don't worry, momma has people who care for her and who will help us every step of the way, and we will be forever thankful to them, just as i am thankful for you coming in my life.

Sorry if you hear momma cry most times at night, she just needs someone to at least hold her and tell her every thing's gonna be okay and who will stay by momma's side and not let go, but that's kind of impossible so i just cry away. Sorry for all the times i feel bad, i know you feel that too baby, but momma can't help but feel alone sometimes, and baby this is a hard life, but i will strive hard to make a better and safe place for you in this unsafe world.

Baby when i finally get to meet you, i will let you meet the people who gave me the strength to go on with life and of course, you will meet God, and he will work his miracles in your life too, just believe in Him, and i will teach you to.

Goodbye for now baby, I can't wait to finally meet you.



... just not to me.


Hey everyone, this guy on the left side is DUANE.

He's an online friend, and he has this blog with alot of posts, more like articles, about love and relationships.

I was shocked, that someone like him, a guy, could know so much and could be equal about those kinds of things...

I put a link to his blog, it's on the right side of this site, just click.








THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE DAYS SO FAR.
all i did was eat and eat some more.

I ate at Shakey's for dinner and Red Ribbon for lunch and had a whole lotta chocolates! hahaha.

I have to go sleep now, i hafta wake up early tomorrow, gotta get my phone fixed and it's Carla's debut in the afternoon, so yeah :)





BROWNOUT LANG KANINA.

TAPOS WALA AKO SA MOOD.
pero birthday ni Carla sa saturday, ayun foodtrip lang, hindi naman ako pwede uminom eh.

hey yo
What is it you're afraid of
now i think its time for you ta show off
whut you've been bragging about
c'mon now don't pout
i'll go easy on yah
so here's a teeny tiny tip fo yah
don't be talkin' sh*t about me if you don't know me
if you don't want me cappin yo ass
and throwin yo body to mah uncle's humvy
im not trippin i aint got tha skills
but if you mess wit me, its you i hafta kill
so slow, torturous, ferocious,
malevolent, i'tl leave you silent
and not give you a chance to see another sunrise,
this diss is a surprise,
to all you haters, wanna be gangstas
better act smart before i get to ya,
so now whut choo gunna do?
right now, nigguh, im gunnin for ya.

PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE.
yeah right.

BUT MOST TIMES, THEY COME BACK.
oh sure they do, but they're not the same person we used to know.

People can surprise you in the most unexpected ways. What a great turn over of events.

Anyways, not much to post for not much happened... me and mom just watched DVDs and bummed around. seriously. hahaha.

Then I washed the plates again, yes i'm kinda enjoying doing that now since there's nothing to do...


I love my family, and i love my kiddo, even if i don't know if he's a boy or she's a girl or whatever...

They're the only ones who change, but never leave.

I don't really know why i posted that picture up there, aside from me liking the idea of it, i somehow felt betrayed and i don't really know why.

Well nothing out of the ordinary today, i slept beside my mom, and my dad slept where i sleep then i slept for the whole 12 hours. FUCKIN' AWESOME!!

pancakes and ground pork rules. :)

steady lang, dapat naman steady lang eh. masayang ganito lang.

LIFE DOESN'T GET ANYMORE FUCKED UP THAN THIS.

When I start to think everything is finally going my way and everything will be alright, life turns around, being the natural bitch that it is, slaps me hard, throwing me off my feet, my face hitting the ground so hard, and says "Bitch, you ain't never gunna get anywhere!" over and over again in my head. I know i've done alot of things in the past that made me deserve this, but to put my family through it? THAT AIN'T FAIR. I know they got their imperfections too but life being that hard on them, especially my mom, it ain't fair. I don't know if I'm thinking too much but I'm the most useless person in this house, considering my situation, i get to be taken care of instead of me getting to help around, and knowing that i can't do anything else to help, really breaks my heart. fucking hurts. it's like your heart stops beating every now and then but it still hurts so much even if you don't think about it and there's just absolutely nothing you can do to stop that feeling. With all honesty, i would give up my life just to see my family together and not tripping on each other and just being happy, ya know? no screaming, no cussing, no doubting, walang sumbatan, just a normal happy family. That's all. Now how impossible is that for me to have to wish for?

My dad told me mom he'd leave us tomorrow. Maybe the pressure of not being financially stable and us pushing him so hard got to him, but that ain't enough reason to do my mom like that. My dad's always hot headed all the time and irritable, but don't get me wrong, i ain't taking sides, i love my father very much but when he acts up like that, It ain't such a pretty sight. He gets mad at everyone even if they don't deserve to be screamed at. I don't really know what do to since i can't be all up in their shit, it's just going to come back to me and all the wrong I've done. I love everyone in my family, even if i don't get to show it as often as i need to, i try to show them in ways they'd never expect me to. My brother, my sister, mom and dad. They're the only family I've got. You don't get to choose your family and who stays in it or who you want out, you've only got one family so I'd really hate to see ours get all ripped up and broken.

Thank you Mark, Sunny and Shou for talking me out of doing something REALLY STUPID and making me realize I'm not the only one.

I wanna stay awake as long as i can until they're asleep so i wont have to wake up with them and hear words i don't wanna hear but i have to go to bed in a while. *deep deep deep deep sigh*


Here's a silly freestyle i did. It's really lame, but if you wanna read go ahead.

Y'all think i have it all just kuz i look like this
I'm lucky enough i can dodge fists
and sharp words my daddy
throws to everybody
he didn't used to be like that
booze just hit his head like a bat
screamin at mommy
"get the hell outta here"
i just cant help but cry
but sometimes i just smile
even if everything is so vile
right now I'm confused
on which side to be on
should i go with who won?
i don't know, i might just reach for that gun
and shoot whoever screams
or throws things
i wont care about feelings
I'm just tired of dealing
with all the bullshit that he says
so for now
I'll say goodbye and make a loud sigh
i didn't mean to cut this short
but i still got some coke to snort
that'll take my mind off things
take me to the land of kings
my eyes dried up it fucked up how I'm seeing
things that are beautiful to me before now stings
and hurts me like i neva would expect it
i ain't trying to make a hit
these are just things I'm feeling
so if you get tired of reading
then go ahead get to sleeping.

SO THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO FEAR LIVING.
to fear losing the people you love with every tick of the clock, with every breath, every wink. Fear that you'll never win against life.

...and im sure as hell i wont let my kiddo go through what i've been through.

TODAY:
* went to SM to buy some food and finally saw chicken skin --->
* went home and just chilled.

THEN...
my sister cam home as i was watching this All Access Eminem tour DVD and asked me to come with her to her ex's birthday party which is just a few houses upstreet so i came... they drank, ofcourse i kinda didn't... Eigee, the celebrant, who just turned 17, looked like Nathan Scott from One Tree Hill and she was harassing my sister for a kiss, i joke him like "hoy ako nalang wag yung kapatid ko!" and i didn't actually think he'd kiss me. HAHAHA. and i'm not saying anything more about that.

ONE MORE THING BEFORE I SLEEP...
i can rhyme! Yeah, like Rap-like rhyme, and if you've heard of eminem, try to spit these words slowly like to the tune of his song "when i'm gone"...

613, im sorry

if it didn work out

i wus so confused i scream and i shout

and i think about it everyday

there's a price i had to pay

and when im alone i still can't forget

how we met that i dont regret

but i have to do this alone,

stand up fo whut ive done

i hope y'all understand

and i hope y'all dont disappear like sand in my hand

just take the time to get to know me

i aint as shady as y'all think about me

you can be my friend or moreover you can hate me

but dont be dissin me if y'all dont know sh*t about me.

so what if im having this baby alone

i'll treat it as my life,

my precious little gemstone

her father left her

ain't nothing that i could do

he was asshole, gettin drunk a time or two

in a day all i can say

is you'll never get to see this kid

when she grows up imma let her cap yo ass and leave you for dead like you did

aint no chance you'll see my baby girl's smile,

all you'll ever do is sit and bang your head on the wall wishin you stayed a while.

Do you get what the picture up there means? If you do, do not ask me for confirmation, for whatever it is you're thinking, THAT'S IT.

Well, punk rockin lang ang buhay, ganun talaga eh, ano pa ba magagawa natin, let's just make the most of it diba?

I miss alot of people, people that i used to hang out with before, yung mga totoong tao, hindi yung eksena, hindi yung pagandahan ng buhok oh ng suot, yung mga usapang hanggang madaling araw, kulitan sa gitara, asaran hanggan sa may mapikon kupalan hanggang sa may magalit sabay lambing,..

KELAN KAYA ULIT...

Well i kinda hafta think of my kid first, then i'll introduce him/her to those people who made me who i am today... the good me tho.

FUCK THE SCENE.

Nothing special happened today ofcourse. Just talked to Josh and Irvin and Jazz on YM. Ate what i usually eat, i mean the same damn thing, then just sat infront of the pc.

Wala lang, just updating you guys.


WALA NA?




I HOPE SO.
I REALLY DO.

well, i know i've been inconsistent with everything this past week, so maybe i don't really know what i want? but i do.

I've realized alot of shit by just talking and thinking and hearing. It's not that i let others affect my decisions or how i see things, but this one i decided on my own...


I wanna have this kid alone... just for me for now. Do you get it? I wanna get to know my kiddo first, see how he/she is like and yes, for the first time, i listened to my parents. This is not the time for me to be all inlove and shit, I'd like to give everything to this kiddo, but it doesn't mean i need someone else to do it for me. I do not see what happened a problem, but more of a blessing.
WHY?

Hmm well i despise cigarettes, atleast for now... and my taste for alcohol just gave up on itself. HAHAHA. Well maybe not with Margaritas and smirnoffs, HAHAHA. Another thing is, i started to think not just about myself. Seriously, i ain't the spoiled lil brat i was months ago, just doing what i wanted when i wanted to. Now i actually have to take care of this life inside me, and be fuckin responsible for once in my life.

DECISIONS.
HMM. TOUGH. i know. but it doesn't get any more real than this, what's happening to me right now. It doesn't have to be sung in a song so that everyone can hear or feel what i'm going through right now, it doesn't have to be made into a movie or what... THE HELL THEY CARE, RIGHT? If they really do care, they should know how i'm doing... or atleast have the decency to ask. I won't be going up to you telling you "hey, im okay..." NO. i wont do that.
If you're really a friend, atleast visit me.

THAT'S WHATS FUCKIN DEPRESSING.
are you my friend?
really?

LASTLY.
I just realized that i don't need a man so i could feel complete and so i wont feel left out or alone because i never am. I don't need someone to be changing me into someone/something they want me to be. So what if i tattoo every inch of my body? so what if i color my hair pink and look like a walking lollipop? so what if i like BRITNEY SPEARS next to CARCASS next to CHRIS BROWN? so what if i act like a guy and i'm not all girly like a friggin barbie doll?

SO FUCKIN WHAT?

This is me. all of me.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

Don't be going all about my life, you don't know squat.




okaaaaaay.

imma put a stop to my bitter and dramatic posts for these awesome videos. even if i'm pregnant, doesn't mean i can't appreciate dancing. PHULEESE it's in my blood. and yeah, after my kiddo comes out, it's back to the dance floor for me again. So yeah. check these videos out!


First we have, a trailer from HIS-TORY: a documentary by the Philippine Allstars




HIS-TORY the MOVIE is a documentary film in the making that chronicles the true story of the PHILIPPINE ALLSTARS preparing its way to the most compelling and prestigious hip hop dance competition. The World Hip Hop Championship in Las Vegas, USA on Aug. 2-3, 2008 will determine their fate if they will bring back first-place glory to their country, continue to inspire and uplift other artists around the globe and represent His Story to the fullest.

* * * * * * *

* Produced by Sheena Vera Crua
* Starring The Philippine Allstars
* Art Direction by Sheena Vera Cruz & Christian Redil
* Director of Photography by Christian Redil, Gino Feraren & Rycher Christian Alfonzo
* Original Music by Christian Redil
* Written by Sheena Vera Cruz & Chelo Aestrid



Next one, we have a dance routine for the song "Last Night" choreography by JP San Pedro.





For more of his videos, here's his YouTube: JP San Pedro


And Lastly, Erik Saradpon, His choreography for the song "Superhuman"




I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

and yes, i don't need drama in my life no more... Not right now. So if i am going to care, it's gonna be only for my kiddo.

I HATE DRAMA.
sometimes it gets to me so much i just wanna scream until my insides come out of my mouth, but what the hell, that ain't possible.

so yeah, it's just gonna be me and my kiddo.
DON'T ASK.

I HATE MOODSWINGS.
I HATE THIS.





that Mom and I went out to lunch yesterday, and we had so much fun.. We had a hard time choosing where to eat, as in we circles the whole mall and ended up eating at Tokyo Tokyo. As usual, i ordered the pork tonkatsu but never the red iced tea for i don't really drink them. After that we went home, then to my aunt's place to take care of business.




SO DON'T ASK ME.

I've been having alot of thoughts lately...

Maybe i don't wanna get married.
Maybe i wanna have this kid to myself for now.
Maybe it'll be better for me to be by myself.
Maybe i'm not yet emotionally stable for a relationship.
Maybe i'm not ready yet.

MAYBE.
MAY BE.

I have no idea.
I guess i just need someone to talk to.
I need my friends.



My head hurts like so fucking much.

I didn't do much today, just went to my sister's place with mom to try and get the pictures and shit but we couldn't get it coz we had nowhere to save it so we just ended up eating there and me taking a bath.

OOOOHH!
there was this uber cool turtle, it was like a ninja, it wasn't slow at all! and guess what? it was jumping! HAHAHAHA. yeah, you read right, JUMPING! It was jumping like it was trying to reach something or whatever.

Josh went to go get his medical something something and i haven't heard from him that much all day. I miss him, yeah? I do. I'd like to stay up and wait for him to get home but my head is really killing me. Ofcourse not literally, pea-brain.




OKAAAAY.
tama na, masakit na talaga ulo ko.





You think i'm having one? well i think that's where you're wrong...

I just updated the layout of this blog, can you see the picture up there? I dance, I rock, I skate and I love.

Is it impossible to do all those? to be all those kinds of people? i don't think so. I'm not a purist and i don't think being one makes you a better person does it? I hate labels too. I'm not hiphop, i'm not emo, i'm not punk, i'm not anything but me. I don't like to stick to one kind of music, or lifestyle, or food, or anything else for that matter. That's the way i'm built and there's no one who can change the way i am except for me... and i am not gonna change how i am if i don't see anything wrong with how i live, get it?

Josh... hmm. well he's a gangsta/hustla or whatever. I love him and i think i made it clear to him that this is me, this is how i am. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. He knows that very well that i don't dress the way he wants me too but i don't see nothing wrong with that so why not try it sometimes, right? He lives a streetlife, he knows how things work in that kind of life, but i don't and i don't think it will be what's best for me and my kiddo, ya know? I just wanna have a good life. A normal one. I don't even think i wanna get married, or i don't know. Alot has been going through my mind again when Josh told me he's leaving soon for work and that he's gonna be there for 2 years or so... I'm not sure if i wanna go through that again, having no one by my side. I get his point, He made it very clear to me why he's going away to work but i'm not quite sure i'm emotionally ready for that again. I'm having a kid, right? so i don't wanna be crying all the time, looking for him and begging him to come back home.

No matter how much i love him, if he leaves, we will fall apart.

So yeah, I don't wanna make any plans with him for now, my heart's just gonna break when he leaves. The only thing i'm gonna plan for is my kid and when he comes out, and what i'll be. I just have to make myself my own superhero, i guess.

Well the sun is almost up and i've to go to bed. I know it's bad for the kid if i stay up like this all the time but i just can't seem to fall asleep. I'll try though.



Well, i tried to sleep but still not working. I've been thinking alot lately, about the future and shit... I just want my kid to have a good life... well i want a good life too, but yeah, my kid comes first. I really don't know if what i'm thinking does make sense, but i will do my best to do everything i want, in a good way.

SEE!
this is what happens when i can't sleep at this time. i can't stop thinking.
i think i have a problem i think i think too much.

OKAAAAAY.
time to go to bed... tomorrow then?

I woke up super early, like 6something AM, coz josh is finally gonna come over. :) I haven't eaten breakfast yet, i'm waiting for him so we can have breakfast together... GAWD! im still hung over about the fact that the lakers lost to boston by over 30 points! Anyways, im just waiting for josh right now, imma update you guys later, maybe post some pictures...

so yeah. :)





...and welcome to my site! thank god it's up and running now for i'm tired of posting at multiply. Well there's not much to see here, just plain ranting and what-nots. In fact, i'm about to rant right now...

IM HUNGRY!! again.

And today is like the saddest day for me watching the NBA Finals, I mean c'mon, they we're down by 30+ points! Can you believe that? that's just friggin' depressing!


WHO WANTS UPDATES?
about my past posts so that those of you who'd read will have an idea on what the fuck i'm talkin' about, yeah?

1.) I'm 3 months pregnant, super happy and excited about it.
2.) There's josh. The love of my oh-so-imperfect life and is going to be the father of my kid. Tho he also has his own kid, Bizzy, who's 5 years old.
3.) I don't know what course to take, the semester had already started but i haven't gone to school yet... So HRM or MassCom?
4.) I REALLY AM HUNGRY.


So yeah, update you guy tomorrow then? Josh might go here tomorrow, so yeah. :)

a little bit of narcissism won't hurt, and vanity isn't a sin.

Im Jammy. Dancing is my religion and love is my kid and that's about it.


STILL CHOOSING...


These are links to the pictures,so go ahead and click them.

VM Convertible

Vanilla Frap

Sbarro's Cheese Pizzas

Piattos Cheese Flavor

Hershey's Chocolate

Bape Avenger Edition

Sbarro's Baked Ziti

Nike 6.0 Air Morgan

Canon EOS 40D

FEATURED

DUANE'S BLOG


SUPER SUPER BASAHIN NYO GUYS, MADAMI KAYONG MATUTUTUNAN.
Well sana. Pero as in ang dami nyong matututunan. SWEAR. Kaya ayun, GO CLICK duane's gorgeous picture, go read his blog, well para na syang mga article sa magazine pero super okay talaga. HAHAHA. Hindi ako maka get over. :)

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